The Stories You Tell Yourself

Every once in a while I make decisions as if I’m living according to some kind of life script. I don’t know when the script was written, but I do sense that I’m one of the screenwriters. My character in the script is predictable and resistant to change. He already has some ideas about what he’s good or not good at, and what he can or can’t do. When new situations arise, both familiar and unfamiliar, my character falls back on the script because it’s a place of familiarity and comfort... I can’t be the only one who has a script, right?

But here’s the thing: the stories we tell ourselves, about ourselves, are so limiting. I’ve gone through life with certain assumptions about what I have the capacity or energy for, and have been surprised to find out in nearly all cases that my assumptions are not true per se.

Knowing that I am capable of more than what my script says I’m capable of doesn’t make it much easier to defy some of my energy-conserving instincts. I’m still fighting my story almost every day. But I have found that reminding myself that there is a proven track record of times when I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and found that I can handle it, enjoy it, and even excel, has quietly made me more confident.

Words and labels are powerful. When you call yourself an introvert you might be unintentionally setting a frame for all of your interactions that over time teaches you the wrong things about your limits. Or maybe you’re "not a tech person" or you wish you were creative. There might be some truth in those statements, but there’s also fear, and a certain unwillingness to take risks that challenge your ideas about who you are.

I was recently asked to lead an icebreaker discussion with customers around the subjects of collaboration and teamwork. In just about every way I thought that I was not the right person to facilitate an icebreaker discussion. I decided to lead it anyway, and I’m glad I did because just showing up in that situation forced some latent qualities out of me that I always seem to forget I have. The discussion was supposed to last 15 minutes but it went for over 30, and everyone participated. The experience gave me confidence and I re-wrote my script just a little.

This post is a reminder to anyone living out a script, that from time to time you should challenge your own assumptions about the kind of person you are. It takes a lot of energy to do it consistently, and you’ll fall back on the script a lot. But do notice the times you surprise yourself, and store them in a well of encouragement that you can draw from in those moments when the risk of falling back on your script might cause harm. Maintain, even in skepticism, some belief that you are capable of more than what the story you tell yourself says you are.